Birchbox: April 2017

When I received my “Your Birchbox Has Shipped!” overexcited email a week ago, I had to double-check my calendar. Didn’t I just receive my box a couple weeks ago? The answer is Yes. But also shipping schedules and internal corporate logistics are weird, so technically new month, new box.

Once again, my box arrived all janky, with products that were too large to actually fit inside it. God dammit. Don’t they read my reviews? Don’t they care how much this affects me and my aesthetic desires?


Then again, maybe they did and are shading me back, because the insert card came with a bold-typeface message: “Pretty beauty packaging might have us at hello, but in the long run it’s what’s on the inside that matters the most” (emphasis Birchbox’s).

Fine, Birch. What’s on the inside to keep me in your good graces?

First off, a bottle of Dr. Jart+ Tiger Grass Cream in what is actually irresistible packaging.


This is a healing balm for severely dry and damaged skin, which I happened to be in the throes of as I opened this box up. I had a little patch of eczema on my cheek for the first time in my adult life. I’ve fought this crud on my hands and arms off and on forever, but never was it flaring in such an obvious place. It covered up well with foundation and powder, but I felt too embarrassed with the brazen redness even to be around my husband without makeup. And this is the guy who, you know, smells all my farts.

I dotted a bit on my cheek, waited five minutes, got mad that it didn’t vanish, went back to the box. But when I reapplied that night and the next morning, it dramatically made my dry redness practically vanish. This was the only and true magic in the box, but a cause worth the motherlode.


When I was getting the raving recommendation for subscription boxes from my sister’s bridesmaid Bonnie, one of her favorite features was the frequent inclusion of BB Cream. It’s a light and sheer tinted moisturizer that you can use instead of full-on foundation. I’m too scared to go that naked on a weekday at work, but I’m willing to try a little during my weekend errands, when my standards plummet down into the core of the earth.


At first I was super excited to see a full-sized Liquid Lipstick from The Beauty Crop. I love Matte! It’s also sweet to get a full-sized unabridged sample in there. But then again, you get what you paid for, and especially after being spoiled with the precise perfection of MAC’s Liquid Mattes. I wore the lovely brick shade today, and about 40 minutes later my boss’s side-eye gave me a hint that something was amiss. That would be the color smeared all the fuck over my face. This is not a stay-put color. So it will be staying put in my makeup graveyard pile.


Cool! Smoothing balm for frizzy hair. Too bad I get up early every damn morning to make my hair look slightly frizzier than it ever naturally will.


Cool! Smoothing Shampoo for coarse, frizzy hair! Except that I filled out the whole Beauty Profile and specifically checked the boxes to indicate that I have the baby finest hair possible that is limp and lifeless and color treated and sad, but will never be coarse and/or frizzy.

I felt as if I wasn’t heard. I felt as if I wasn’t special. I felt as if I’m now subscribing to 4 of these boxes and Amazon just sent me a magic button I can press to get a mystery box of snacks delivered to my door, and I don’t need another monthly account deduction for a place that isn’t going to get me. So I rolled on over to and I cancelled my account.

Because life is too short for janky boxes.


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